lines

this will go down in a quote book one day; you know the one i plan on writing?

"Clara, stop talking like that; I can't hear you unless I pop my ears. Wait... (squeezing nose... POP), okay. Now, what were you saying?" - J.B.L.

SBXI

well, elusive spring break, you came and went... again. i don't know how this happened to me this year. i didn't get a lot of sleep, i didn't get much lounging around, i showered every day (who am i?!?!), and i only shopped once... did i just become an adult?!

so far in college, i've had pretty great breaks. freshman year: went to the beach and got a house with some friends. while some things were regretful, it was sunny, beachy and filled with fake tattoos... everything a girl needs in a week. last year: i was pining the absence of my boyfriend, but i'm pretty sure i went to the beach if even for a few days... or i did something where i got sun. lake? i don't know, but i remember relaxing.

this year: it started off with a bowling spree, a tequila sunrise, and warm face. it then crashed into being in a basement, organizing and sifting through files. running into people i've tried to pretend didn't exist anymore. having one night out where i had to leave early due to being at work the next morning, and the other night being forced to leave because i didn't drive. *lesson learned* i slept in until 1 on saturday, i guess because my body was trying to catch up on the sleep i was supposed to get that week.

i went to a lovely wedding saturday which further reminded me how unlikely it is that i'll be getting married anytime soon. and also that my little sister will probably beat me to the altar with the way my dating history has played out. i've accepted it and moved on... for the most part.

i keep forgetting the fine print on the "23rd year of life" contract that i signed. but if it isn't there... and it's not much to work with either, it's just scenarios. wondering if you're too old for trying to play young. making sure you really do have a future in the field of study you've chosen. desiring a life with a husband, but at the same time loathing the thought of having to give up freedoms.

i really like to go hear bands, whether local or from out of town, and i enjoy going to bars. clean ones on a regular basis. down-home-good-ole-bars that make me happy i grew up and got an education on the nights i need to feel better about my life. i do hate looking out into the crowd, because i'm a champ at people watching, and feeling the pain of, "am i going to be THAT forty-something one day...?".

the thought of feeling like i haven't actually chosen a field of study where i will be successful scares me. i don't mean money, that's just a perk, but what if i really suck at my profession? what if i never help anyone? what if-s could go on forever in my mind. i've discovered i'm a worst-case-scenario freak. it's weird and slightly disconcerting, just like my height.

i had a conversation with a girl at the wedding saturday and we both were talking about how annoying it is to be told "oh! i guess you're next in line aren't you? (smirk)"... for the love, back off my child-bearing hips and let me alone. there is really too much pressure on girls in our sweet, laid-back, southern society. it's really not laid-back at all. it's severely stressful. i know i've written about this before, so i won't fixate on that topic.

i love my mom, she's so funny and wise, but bless her, if she isn't trying to find me a guy every time we talk. we officially have a list of guys she wants me to try and "win" (<--- #thingsthatareimpossible). she actually told me on the way to the reception saturday, "clara, i want you to add _____ _______ to the list. he would be so fabulous!" he's added, along with 4 other guys, some of which are never going to happen because of the league thing (out of it).

anyway, all of this happened on my spring break; it's PAINFULLY obvious i like to think about everything i'm doing/ want to do. sorry you decided to endure that. anyway, i am excited about my field, if i'm unsuccessful, so be it. i'm sure God will use me in a way of "what not to do", and those people are necessary too. i might never get married, but i'll always love music. and i refuse to dress like the people i make fun of. i really hope you have a happy monday... it's supposed to be sunny, like it is in philadelphia.

experiences

last may, my family went on a camping trip up at tumbling waters in NC. it was the most beautiful place i had been to in a while-- shortly after this trip i went to africa, so it got one-upped. the terrain is lovely, the sky was lovely, the air was unpolluted loveliness, and the people there were lovely. all in all, a super wonderful experience. what could mess it up?

there were 3 families up there: mine, the morrison's, and the ... crap, i'm blanking on their last name... oh well, we'll call them the other family. we took the first day and went tubing down this freeeeezing cold creek/river/glacier.

blissfully ignorant

so we head down the c/r/g, and after the first trip down, once we got used to the subzero temperature, someone had the "brilliant" idea to lay our tubes next to each other and hold on to each others handles aaaaaall the way down. "... ... THAT SOUNDS GREAT!!!!" (it should be noted that our bodies were in shock from the cold water which resulted in our thought processes being low) and we're off.

there we go, all smiles...

 we grab hold, and at the beggining it was really fun. we were laughing, and then we remembered the rapids...

death

okay, so they weren't that terrifying, but when there are 8 tubes that are being pulled in 8 different directions, it felt that scary. one of the girls, leigh ellen, got ripped from her tube and was being thrashed between rocks. i got this crazy surge of motherhood protectiveness-- must have still been under the influence of cold water--  and jumped into the water to pull leigh ellen out. her poor little face, bless it. i could tell she was watching her life flash before her eyes. i saw all kinds of terror. her brother, on the other hand, was laughing at us. looking down from his protective tube, laughing at our pain. my foot started to get lodged between two rocks in the middle of a rapid. i was freaking out, but i had to save lellen. as i am trying to get her out of the water and into her tube, i feel my foot go one way and my ankle pull the other. i somehow get lellen out of the water and pulled myself out. it was most definitely the most scared i've been whilst in water, and that's including the time i almost drowned in CO white water rafting; i still don't forgive you, john.

do you see our determination? holding those handles till death do us part.

we made it out, almost unscathed. most of us had some nasty bruises, but no bones were broken.

we needed a pick me up, so that night we went up to tellico gap to climb the fire tower and watch the sunset. the hike was about a mile or two and we were racing against the sun. btdub, when you're running up a mountain to beat the sun and watch it set, a lung will collapse. just a forewarning. well, once i learned how to breathe on one lung, and after i climbed to the top of the fire tower, conquering my fear of heights, we saw this:

worth it

and then, by default, this happened:

on the way home, we saw lightning bugs. all the girls went, "awwww". then we turned this corner and saw a field that was lit up like christmas with lightning bugs. we jumped out of the car and sat on the side of the road for about 30 minutes just watching them. it was magical. as a joke we played the song "fireflies", but then we realized that was dumb and turned that trash off. that day ended up being pretty awesome... now on to the next.

so i had to work on monday, and my famjam wasn't going to leave until monday afternoon, so scott and i left sunday after lunch. scott had been kind of ill the whole trip, but was such a trooper to join us on everything, and laugh in my face as i was saving his sister's life... not bitter...
so we get on the road. i'm almost completely worthless on road trips. i either get car sick or fall asleep. my body chose the latter, and about as soon as we hit the interstate, i was gone. so scott's sick and i'm passed out cold. recipe for disaster.

we get to atlanta and stop for a drink and to change drivers. scott is feeling worse than he had all day, so i think out of guilt i step up and drive. i grab my bag to go get something to drink and it is dripping wet. no joke, the whole bag is sopping. the passenger side floor board is covered in liquid. i go in the store and buy paper towels. scott, in the meantime, met a new friend. i'm going to call him bubba because it is the only name that can describe him perfectly. bubba is wearing a talladega super speedway hat, a shirt with the wolf howling at a moon, and some work boots. he kindly offers his help to these two confused souls that can't figure out why the floor of the car is now a pool of liquid. i'm standing back watching this whole thing play out. B: "well now, whut's wrong, son?" S: "umm, i'm not sure. we don't know what this is and how it got here. it looks like it's draining in from the engine." B: *puts finger in liquid, and licks said finger* "well, it t'ain't an-tuhfreeze."
scott and i both drop our jaws... uhhhhh... did that just happen?!
B: "see now, son, i usta work in uh car shop down the road... bin dealin with cars fer twenuh-two yers. i'd knowd an-tuhfreeze if i tasted it." S: "oh, okay. well thanks, sir. we should probably get going. we still have a long drive." B: "better get that car into uh shop when yous get home now, ya hear." S; "yes, sir. thanks again."

so we head out. scott and i are still reeling from the events that transpired. he falls asleep... the car starts to fail. no lie, less that 15 miles down the road, every single light on the dash comes on. there is some massive engine failure going on. i felt like sandra bullock in "speed". i kept telling myself not to let it drop below 65 mph for fear of exploding. as we exit to get to my house, the car almost completely stops. we pull into the entrance of my neighborhood and the car dies. completely dead. i have never in my life seen scott so angry and i've known him for about 13 years. he tells me to stay in the car to steer and he'll push it until it gets to the hill. the car goes down the hill, around the pond, and my neighbors stare. not a single person tries to help; dear neighbors, oh, you are the worst. i get out and start pushing it myself. <--- something i NEVER want to EVER do EVER again for the REST of my life. scott joins me and we get to my house. he is fuming with frustration, illness and rage. i give him the rest of my starburst and drive him home to sleep. i tell him he'll laugh about it soon... to this day, i don't know if he's laughed, but i certainly have. the car was fine. leaves had clogged the air conditioner thing and the water flooded the inside of the car. cost nothing to fix. what a happy ending to a wonderful weekend. just lovely.

work 101

i've just started a new job and normally i don't reeeally care too much about what i wear, i just wear what makes me happy. (as the sub-title declares, i love clothes, but brands and junk don't affect me too much) anyway, back to the job. i don't own work clothes; i own "church" clothes, but my job title is "runner" so i don't need to look that dressy, just enough to be presentable when i go on errands/ serve subpoenas (<--- AWESOMENESS). this has turned out to be a greater undertaking than i had previously expected. people don't make clothes for the "in between". they make dressy suits, and they make cute casual, but i can't go running around in a flannel button-up and skinny jeans and my wonderful flip flops. clearly you can see what my desired wardrobe is. also, home girl specifically shopped at 5 different places (t.j. maxx., francescas, j. crew, target, forever 21) for a brown skirt. just a simple brown skirt. a waist-tie belt would be a nice touch, but i don't need too much. i know i'm a beggar in this area; dear hateful earth, you provided me with nothing. well that's not entirely true. i found one that made me look like i was leftover from soviet russia. it is not advisable to look like you support communism at a new job. also, when i think about the old soviet russia, i picture the women in head to toe khaki, and not having any part of their body showing, besides the hands-- which would most likely have gloves covering them-- and their faces. I know most of them aren't muslim, so i'm not concerned about offending them on that point. and since i canNOT  wear a floor length skirt without looking retarded, or like a 4 year-old at the christian girl scout day camp, i absolutely tried on the mini, and you know i would have been the soviet whore. also not O.K..

there i am shopping. and today in one of the stores i decided to test my wardrobe fate, i found a super adorable skirt (fig. 1)

fig. 1 (let's pretend my legs are that lean)

i'm with jennana, who is HOOOOMEEE!!, and i of course have a small fashion show. one dress i put on, looks like something marshall, how i met your mother, would wear as his night shirt. it was horrendous. and ginormous. so then i put on fig.1 and said, "you must stay on my body because you are precious". so, naturally i walked out, asked the girl if i could leave with the clothes on and put my old clothes in the shopping bag. she laughed and said yes. well i was in a predicament because the shirt i had on was see through, but before i found fig.1 i had on a sheath over the otherwise scandalous top. had to get a cami... this little blue skirt made me happy to have something new, but cost me a pretty penny.

back to work clothes. i've been doing an absurd amount of online therapy trying to find things to wear. i have a plethora of comfortable clothing; i stocked up on jeans over the break, biting me in the butt now. however, i realized swiftly that i have lots of tiny dresses and only one skirt that i can wear and be comfortable in. oh. no. tiny and picking up boxes and micro managing a place that, let's be honest, is in need of a meticulous clara, where ever she is, do not go well together. skirts and pants are almost exclusively the way to go. unless i want to be unique and wear some volleyball spandex under my dresses. i think that might be more scandalous than people seeing my undies... they're basically the same thing. we'll find out.

since the shopping excursion started i've come out with 2 skirts, 4 tops, 2 belts, a new wallet (what? i needed something to pay homage to my bank account...), and a depleted bank account. i'll have to continue this shopping spree later, like when i get my next paycheck. so far job, you're costing me money to work. that better change soon, or you better start giving me some change (heyoo, punny)