characterization

i already know this post will have 2 totally different metaphors. they kind of relate to each other, maybe. but you now know, if you've been a faithful reader, that i can only write in a stream of consciousness kind of way. bear with me. (every time i write "bear" i always want to follow it with: rawwwrr) :)

when i was 14, maybe 15, my oldest sister got engaged to the greatest guy. now, i knew i liked him-- i mean who couldn't, he's amazing-- but i had always had a hard time letting another person into my family. i'm super protective over the people i love. like sometimes it's out of control. all that protectiveness made me resent him for even TRYING to win his way into our hearts. boy, don't play. i've already got one brother, i don't need another one. (siiiigh...) i realized shortly after i turned on my, "ugh, you are ruining everything!!" attitude, probably the ugliest thing anyone could ever experience coming out of me, i became aware that i am Jo March. L.M. Alcott wrote about me before i was born. i, like Jo, refused to be pleased with the fact that my family was spreading and expanding. i also did the same thing with my other sister when she got engaged. we also kind of hated each other then, which was not surprising since i did not love the Lord at this time. anyway, i ended up coming around. my b-i-l, both of them, they are the greatest men. and i'm happy to be able to consider them my brothers.

shifting to my next thing, which is, again, maybe related to Jo, but maybe not. or maybe this is just my heart talking. like Jo (we're starting off on a good foot) i don't really care for change. i like the wildness of the world and i like to experience new things, but i do not like change within my close circles of life. when accepting my b-i-ls, it was a stretch for me. i didn't know how to love then. since becoming a follower of Christ, i want ALLLLLLL of my relationships to never ever end, but to forever grow deeper. which, i think, is something i've learned to treasure  and desire since i want the same thing to happen with my relationship with Christ. i want growth. i long for growth. but instead of shrinking back the growth just to my family and a few close friends, i want the growth i desire to spread from my initially closed circle to everyone i know, like a wild fire. very little would please me more. but i also know that what i want verbally can not be executed unless i act upon it with a strong action. sometimes trees (oh dear, here's where i break off from Jo) need pruning so that they can flourish again. which means something has to die. i don't like watching things die.

i had a fish very recently, her name was Tennille (R.I.P. girl, R.I.P.), and i knew, from experience, with the behavior she was showing that she wasn't going to make it. i was way bummed when i walked out to see her dead in the tank 5 days after i got her. it was also freaking my frogs out -- i'll share the frog story one day -- and so everyone Tennille met, she had made enough of an impact to freak them out by her untimely death. i wasn't expecting to write and obit for her... well there you go, Tennille. anyway, back to pruning. i know that sometimes things need to die or be cut away because they will kill you if they aren't. but what you also may not know, is i seriously struggle with being controlling. i like to have my hand in situations where i've made myself believe i can use my wily ways to have an advantage, and BOOM! everything's goin' my way... not so much the case anymore. i've seen, with a sibling of mine, that if you let go and stop trying to control, Christ will be seen more clearly because all i'm doing is focusing on loving and waaaaay less on controlling. it's sad to prune, but it's good for growth, and i'd rather be a submissive, blooming tree than a writhing, little sapling clinging to life, refusing to let go of my dead limbs, and let my Master get rid of the things that are destroying me (whoa). a beautiful, fruitful life is much more impacting than a life that never had blossoms, fruit, or love.

so i am Jo March. i am also a lover of Christ. it seems i'm also a tree. and i'm happy.