SBXI

well, elusive spring break, you came and went... again. i don't know how this happened to me this year. i didn't get a lot of sleep, i didn't get much lounging around, i showered every day (who am i?!?!), and i only shopped once... did i just become an adult?!

so far in college, i've had pretty great breaks. freshman year: went to the beach and got a house with some friends. while some things were regretful, it was sunny, beachy and filled with fake tattoos... everything a girl needs in a week. last year: i was pining the absence of my boyfriend, but i'm pretty sure i went to the beach if even for a few days... or i did something where i got sun. lake? i don't know, but i remember relaxing.

this year: it started off with a bowling spree, a tequila sunrise, and warm face. it then crashed into being in a basement, organizing and sifting through files. running into people i've tried to pretend didn't exist anymore. having one night out where i had to leave early due to being at work the next morning, and the other night being forced to leave because i didn't drive. *lesson learned* i slept in until 1 on saturday, i guess because my body was trying to catch up on the sleep i was supposed to get that week.

i went to a lovely wedding saturday which further reminded me how unlikely it is that i'll be getting married anytime soon. and also that my little sister will probably beat me to the altar with the way my dating history has played out. i've accepted it and moved on... for the most part.

i keep forgetting the fine print on the "23rd year of life" contract that i signed. but if it isn't there... and it's not much to work with either, it's just scenarios. wondering if you're too old for trying to play young. making sure you really do have a future in the field of study you've chosen. desiring a life with a husband, but at the same time loathing the thought of having to give up freedoms.

i really like to go hear bands, whether local or from out of town, and i enjoy going to bars. clean ones on a regular basis. down-home-good-ole-bars that make me happy i grew up and got an education on the nights i need to feel better about my life. i do hate looking out into the crowd, because i'm a champ at people watching, and feeling the pain of, "am i going to be THAT forty-something one day...?".

the thought of feeling like i haven't actually chosen a field of study where i will be successful scares me. i don't mean money, that's just a perk, but what if i really suck at my profession? what if i never help anyone? what if-s could go on forever in my mind. i've discovered i'm a worst-case-scenario freak. it's weird and slightly disconcerting, just like my height.

i had a conversation with a girl at the wedding saturday and we both were talking about how annoying it is to be told "oh! i guess you're next in line aren't you? (smirk)"... for the love, back off my child-bearing hips and let me alone. there is really too much pressure on girls in our sweet, laid-back, southern society. it's really not laid-back at all. it's severely stressful. i know i've written about this before, so i won't fixate on that topic.

i love my mom, she's so funny and wise, but bless her, if she isn't trying to find me a guy every time we talk. we officially have a list of guys she wants me to try and "win" (<--- #thingsthatareimpossible). she actually told me on the way to the reception saturday, "clara, i want you to add _____ _______ to the list. he would be so fabulous!" he's added, along with 4 other guys, some of which are never going to happen because of the league thing (out of it).

anyway, all of this happened on my spring break; it's PAINFULLY obvious i like to think about everything i'm doing/ want to do. sorry you decided to endure that. anyway, i am excited about my field, if i'm unsuccessful, so be it. i'm sure God will use me in a way of "what not to do", and those people are necessary too. i might never get married, but i'll always love music. and i refuse to dress like the people i make fun of. i really hope you have a happy monday... it's supposed to be sunny, like it is in philadelphia.